5th April 2019 marks five years since BRAPA officially began in that most logical of Good Beer Guide places to start - the Albion in Ampthill, Bedfordshire. AKA : the first pub in the guide. (And I'm delighted to report, it has been every year since).
So just for fun, I thought I'd delve through the archives and set you a 'quick' 30 question multi-choice quiz to see how well you know BRAPA. Answers are at the bottom but have a go, and see where you rank on the BRAPA scale of pub customer ......
Comment below if you can to let me know how you did!
1. What was the 'working title' of BRAPA back in Jan 2014 when I was inventing the challenge?
a) Si's Aleway Adventure
b) The Big 4500
2. On my first trip, Ampthill to Bedford, the bus broke down, but what was the cause?
a) Bus caught fire
b) An oil leak
c) Bus got bored of being in Bedfordshire and went to sleep
3. For the first year of blogging, Tom Irvin was the only person who left comments, but what pseudonym did he use?
a) Phil Parkinson
b) Phil Brown
c) Phil Collins
4. My first BRAPA holiday was on the Isle of Wight, but why was my pub ticking cut cruelly short?
a) I sprained my ankle
b) Hull City got to the FA Cup Final
c) The ghost of Queen Victoria met me in Osborne House and told me BRAPA didn't amuse her.
5. An early midweek after work trip to Bradford saw my taxi driver lost trying to find a pub called Haigys. Who helped us with directions?
a) A lollipop lady
b) A pigeon fancier called Julie
c) A 'lady of the night'
6. And as he charged me £12.50 for the journey, what did he recommend that she had to offer for just a tenner with absolutely no sense of the irony of the situation?
a) A free share in Brewdog
b) Chance to sponsor an underprivileged pigeon
c) A blowjob
7. Whose husband did I accidentally push in front of at the bar in a rural Bucks pub in Penn Street?
a) Delia Smith
b) Mary Berry
c) Nigella Lawson
8. BRAPA would only recommend one radio station, but what is it called?
9. In the very early days of BRAPA, how did I decide what pubs/area to do each Saturday?
a) Close my eyes and stick a pin in a map
b) Get friends and work colleagues to roll a dice
c) Open the GBG at a random page and choose a place on that page
10. Which of these legendary Scottish entities did I not believe existed for the first 2 years of BRAPA?
a) The Loch Ness Monster
b) Heroin Battered Offal Shortbread
c) Duncan Mackay
11. My blog first became noticed by the 'outside world' by 'influential pub types' over 8 months after I started, but what controversial incident sparked it?
a) A man took a poo on the floor in Maidenhead 'Spoons
b) A frog jumped into my pint of Charles Wells in a rural Beds beer garden
c) A famous heritage Stockport pub refused to let me and Dad sit down as we weren't dining.
12. I first became aware of Martin Taylor when he said 'nice photo' of which pub I was visiting.
a) Bricklayers Arms, Luton
b) Old Hunters Lodge, Whipsnade
c) Bass Towers Brewshop and Kitchen, Waterbeach
13. It may surprise you to know I haven't always used a green highlighter, but what colour highlighter pen did I use in 2014?
c) Yellow OR Pink.
14. Wetherspoons trips are always made more pleasurable by having a seemingly endless supply of 50p off vouchers far exceeding the ones CAMRA send me each year, but why?
a) Tim Martin pays me in them to write nice things about his pubs
b) I built a special BRAPA immigration point at Dover to keep out the fuzzy-wuzzies.
c) Pub Curmudgeon sends me most of his vouchers too.
15. Which of these pub chains which I was totally unaware of pre-BRAPA do I find the most disheartening?
a) Brunning & Price
16. Before BRAPA 'officially' started on 5.4.14, how many of the 2014 Good Beer Guide entries had I actually already ticked as a result of football matches, gigs, random days out etc?
17. Which of these pub traits most set my teeth on edge?
a) Bar blockers
b) Those little jam jars showing the colour of the ale
c) Bookcase wallpaper
18. 'Twild' has perhaps become the most famous BRAPA 'glossary' term. It was invented by accident by my friend Lisa, when she got caught between trying to describe a mutual acquaintance's toddler as a 'twat' and 'child'. But what else characterised this original twild?
a) It had ginger hair
b) It gave my sister an evil stare in Tesco
c) Both of the above
19. One of the weirdest pub customer behaviours I've ever witnessed was an old man eating Whiskers cat biscuits out of a packet in a rather smart but bland pub on the outskirts of which city?
20. Which of these are my favourite pub snack which allow me to drink on average 1.25 extra pints and stay more sober if I binge on them steadily throughout the day?
a) Pork pie
b) Sausage roll
c) Scotch Egg
21. I once made a BRAPA taxi journey a lot more awkward (and expensive) than it needed to by comparing my Good Beer Guide to what?
a) The Quran
b) The Bible
c) War & Peace
22. Which of these pub additions can make a pub 7.6% better, according to a 2017 BRAPA survey?
a) An range of 15 real ales
b) A random pile of logs near a woodburner
c) A pub cat.
23. In one of the most classic BRAPA visits ever, Judgey Jesus stopped me nicking some Spanish girls olives .... but in what brilliant London pub was this?
a) Cross Keys, Covent Garden
b) Harp, Charring Cross
c) Victoria, Paddington
24. Why do I extract the Brewery Section from the Good Beer Guide each year
a) For practicality / ease of transportation
b) Because I have a total disregard for microbrewers
c) Because I love cutting stuff with a Stanley Knife
25. When the March Hare in Dunton, Beds, failed to open at the time advertised, what did I do?
a) Had a wee in the front garden in protest
b) Sat on the road in the village and refused to move for oncoming traffic
c) Knocked on the landlady's house door and asked her why she hadn't opened yet.
26. In one of the worst BRAPA experiences ever (Clarence, Bury), we were moved for diners and Tom was charged £3.80 for a pint of blackcurrant, but what did Father BRAPA say to the man about to start his lunch as we departed in disgust?
a) Enjoy your namby pamby nachos
b) Enjoy your fart arse ponce burger
c) Fuck off and die tossface, but enjoy your yummy looking lunch first
27. The owner of a micropub once didn't like my unfavourable review and explained "I'm not a performing monkey", but in what town was it situated?
c) Seaton Sluice
28. What is the most nervous I've ever been on the approach to a BRAPA tick in case it wasn't open?
a) Anchor, Anchor, Shropshire
b) Five Miles From Anywhere Inn, Upware, Cambs
c) Crown, Lofthouse, North Yorks
29. "I'm going to firebomb your 'ouse!" This classic line was witnessed in a particularly aggressive but also crap Ember Inn as staff and customers fell out on the outskirts of which West Midlands stronghold?
a) West Bromwich
30. "He's one of those people you either love or hate, just like marmalade". This classic line was overheard in a great pub in which legendary West Yorkshire town.
Scroll down for answers .........
1. b / 2. b. / 3. a / 4. b / 5. c / 6. c / 7. b / 8. b / 9. b / 10. c / 11. c / 12. b / 13. c / 14. c. 15. b / 16. c
17. a / 18. c / 19. b / 20. c / 21. a / 22. c / 23. c / 24. a / 25. c / 26. b / 27. b / 28. a / 29. b /30. a.
How did you do?
26-30. BRAPA King - you may has well take the reins from me, you really know your stuff!
21-25 Impressive Barmaid - I like you. You run the pub with an iron fist, take no crap from the crazy locals, but are friendly, helpful and approachable too.
16-20. Shady Local - Well done! I was a bit scared of you when I walked in, but you've said a couple of amusing things to me, let me take a photo, and let me BRAPsplain. Thanks.
11-15. Lolloping Pub Dog - You are certainly no twog, you in fact add to the atmosphere of the pub, but you keep farting and dribbling on the wooden boards, and I'm worried I'm going to slip in your saliva.
6-10. Pub comedian - Oh yes, you think you are funny don't you? To be fair, pubs need characters like you. But you don't mind if I don't make any eye contact and gradually edge away do you?
0-5 - Random Pile of Logs - You are just there, stacked into a shelf, for what? Decor? Give the air that we are in somewhere rustic when we all know full well it is a restaurant in disguise, probably in the south east. You're never going to go on the fire, I'm not sure this pub even has one.